Survival

Saturday 24 September 2016 I went to Anfield to watch Liverpool play Hull City. I should have gone with my husband but he was called out by his work so I went on my own.

Luckily it was a decent game (Liverpool won 5-1) but, more importantly for me, it gave me something to think about other than the continual negative thoughts I have.

I've blogged previously about my on/off battle with depression and I'm at a point where I haven't gone fully into a depressive state but the low moods are becoming more frequent and staying for longer. This could go one of two ways and it's a waiting game to see which wins.

I know some people will think well we all get low moods and it's true. Whenever I an in a "normal" state of mind I have low points. But these are short lived and there is normally a reason why. Now I can go from being ok to having this cloud hang over me which makes life feel meaningless. I don't want to talk to anyone unless I really have to. I don't want to do anything except find something to obliterate the negative thoughts. I have no wish to communicate in any way even to people who know me well and understand I have these spells. 

I hate feeling like this. I want to feel as if I have things to look forward to or to achieve. Instead I get out of bed every day, get dressed and go to work and pretend to be normal. I realise that there are people out there who don't manage that and I have been there but currently I can. So every day that I manage to do this is another day when depression hasn't fully struck. It could be the last day or it may not be. I won't know until the day my brain says I can't cope any longer and I stay in bed instead of getting out of it. Today wasn't that day.